The Truth About Men

Dear diary, I had an interesting conversation with a friend last night. It was an eye opener. I will call my friend Dola. It's not her real name as I want to protect her identity.

Dola called me up late last night to complain about her man. They have been married for a while now but she felt he wasn't  being honest with her he was still keeping secrets. I asked my friend if men could be honest with the women in their lives. She replied that there's probably a small percentage of men that are honest. However they are fighting serious temptations. So I asked, "what kind of temptations"? She said, "To not cheat on their women. To reveal the true source of their success. To let the woman know their networth. To let the woman know if they have a second family or child out of wedlock. Above all to not offend God".

I wondered what Dola meant by saying a lot of men were fighting temptations. In my mind, the scenario she painted was that men were fighting temptations everyday of their lives. That was very deep. 

My friend further explained that a lot of men were fighting battles, some win and many fail. She gave a personal example. On her contact list she has more married men than single men but it's her business line. Somehow these men always get the number. She explained that even when madam is with them they always find a way to get it or come back for it. My friend stated that as a matter of fact, sometimes single ladies are the ones trying to fight the temptation on behalf of the men.

So this leads me back to my question. Can men be honest enough with their women. Can women be honest too? Don't want to believe Dola's experience is the norm. So what is the true nature of man? What are the truths about men? I have drawn up a short list below. 

TRUTHS ABOUT MEN

- What the guy really wants to say:

1. Honey please you really don't need to talk all the time.
2. Just because I don't respond doesn't mean am not listening.
3. Stop reporting me to pastor, does his wife report him to you?
4. I love you just the way you are honey but I really wish your boobs were bigger.
5. Don't know why you are stuck on calling me sweetie pie in front of my friends. They always laugh at me behind your back. Even my mother thinks am a snack.
6. I understand you need to change your dp but please love stop taking selfies in the toilet.
7. Don't always expect me to be nice to your relatives. I actually hate that brother of yours.
8. I don't want indomie again am not junior.
9. Honey stop forming tiredness when it's time to go to bed.
10. Does your mother have to visit all the time? Can't she stay in her husband's house?
11. Don't ask me if Omotola is beautiful if you don't want the answer.
12. I really love you but I can also admire other beautiful girls around. Am not blind.

Are there any other truths out there? 

- Belinze

How to support the Oga

Dear Diary, I dreamt last night that Oga decided to join me on the track to give me moral suppprt. But along the way it looked like i was the one giving him moral support instead.

When i woke up, Oga was sleeping beside me snoring. What a shame. Only a dream. Anyway, here are some pictures to help you imagine the momentous event.

Diary of a 9ja mama: How to support the woman in your life

Diary of a 9ja mama: How to support the woman in your life: Dear diary, i must tell you that my goal is to please Oga and have him declare someday

How to support the woman in your life

Dear diary, i must tell you that my goal is to please Oga and have him declare someday "this is my beloved wife in whom I am well pleased". In return I expect the  unconditional love and support of my Oga.

Do you remember how this our quest for shape began? Yes, it started with my humble self deciding to take up the cause of fitness in order to please Oga. Or isn't this the duty of every woman whose bride price has been fully paid. As Oga is wont to remind me, " I paid in full, even twice sef. Your father is still owing me change". Igbo man. So as a madam whose money has been FULLY paid, my duty is to please Oga. My dear father, God bless his departed soul commanded this of me - that is after he had pocketed the huge sum Oga paid for bride price. He made sure to tell me that he did not intend to refund a kobo from the money given to him in the near future. More importantly, father reminded me that since I was now married I did not have a room in his house anymore, so I must not be sent packing. Even my mother warned me to behave and not steal her given right to come for omugwor when her grandchild was delivered.

So diary when Oga began to complain persistently that I was losing my figure, I had to shape up before I was shipped out. I told myself the truth o. After three children my value in the market has drastically resuced. I no lie. The only challenge though was Acho. Honestly speaking, this my relentless trainer, the mad man Acho was testing my resolve daily. I needed moral support to weather the ordeals of training. Who else to give moral support than Oga for whom I was shapening up. How else to give moral support than by accompanying me at the break of dawn to the training ground. So I made up my mind to enlist Oga in the good fight. Of course so many people had also advised that I include him in this pursuit.

5am this morning I roused him from his deep slumber. I began by appealing to the sleepy man to join with me in chasing the would be destroyers of our marriage, I meant the fat of course. I told him that his support would go a long way in keeping me committed to the exercise program. Hmmmmm... Diary you cannot believe the response I got. Oga looked at me and said, "I serve an unchangeable God he remains the same, today and forever and that is why I have remained unchanged in my body size since I married you". Kai! This is coming from my unbelieving non church attending hubby. "You should come and serve my God" he continued, "you will remain unchanged from day to day" so saying, Oga turned back to his pillow to continue his sleep. Diary I shy. See as the guy use style to dodge exercise.

For me there is no turning back. The Lord is my strength. My resolve stands unmoving like the rock of Gibraltar with or without Oga.
-BELINZE

The Joys of Family Planning (Part 2)

And so it began. Up and down, side to side, hands on your waist. ''Madam you are not doing this routine properly. I said squat very low'' shouted my trainer, Acho. ''Look you have got to feel the pain. NO PAIN, NO GAIN! Now give me 15 push ups, we have got to get you into shape." O boy eee. "Comon madam, 1..2..3..4..5.. NO PAIN, NO GAIN. 6...! "Bros, please let me rest small abeg. I fit collapse here." I pant. "Okay, take 5" he says.
Dear diary, like I said, I decided to help  myself and registered with a maniac in the guise of a fitness coach. You don't know anything. Like Jon Snow you know nothing. If I tell you what I have been going through in the last two weeks you will  commiserate. Every morning at 4.30am my phone rings, "madam you have 30 minutes to get to the track. Please don't be late." Omo this losing weight tins no be beans.
Maybe my Oga should have just done a vasectomy like the doctor advised. But if you see how he shouted VA...gini! you would know that was not an option. Selfish man. Na me suffer fit (hiss). Imagine the man claiming he needed his equipment in case I changed my mind tomorrow and ran away with his children. Craze man. So diary, here I find myself being manhandled and harassed into shape at 5am. God dey.
"Okay break over, NO PAIN, NO GAIN" barks Acho. "Next we are going to straighten those flabby tummies, give me 20 sit ups and 20 side crunches, let's go". I groan. The sweat pours down my body. This mad man is drilling me here and Oga is sleeping at home. Life is very unfair. "Good, good" he says, "from tomorrow we will start the 30 days squat challenge, 30 days abdominal challenge, 30 days butt challenge, best butt fitness and leg buttock workout. We will beat this body back into gear" says Acho. Oga must commend me for a job well done." In my mind I curse the two both of them to thy kingdom come.

The Joys of Family Planning

Dear diary, If my school mates were to see me now they would do a double take. Some may even wipe their eyes hoping their vision was false. Hmm. .. I understand my people. The weight gain is unbelievable abi. Imagine I used to be known as the smallie of the class but not anymore. Kai! family planning can do that to you if you are unlucky at it, like I am. Oh, don't blame me ooo. I mean haven't you noticed how bad our economy is. The induced school fees paying hypertension is bad enough. A woman has to be wise and if you have an oga who doesn't understand why he has to wear raincoat for woman he paid two times (that is a story for another day) then you've got to help yourself. If you have an oga who doesn't understand why smallie is becoming biggie then as a Naija woman you've got to do what you have to do.
So, I went to do the sensible thing and used my hand to carry wahala. I will tell you in my next post what I resolved to do.
-Belinze